oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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