just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
