I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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