The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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