i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
