he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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