i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
