It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
