There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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