I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Welp...herpes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
