Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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