dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
