What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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