Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
