I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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