3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
