All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
