I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
