I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
