i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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