Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
