Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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