Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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