I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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