she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
