Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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