i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
