I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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