Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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