well I can't set my house on fire every night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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