saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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