if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
