Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
