I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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