Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
