how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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