Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
