Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
