You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
