I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
