i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
