He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
