I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
