You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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