woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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