yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She is in my trunk
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
