Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
