you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
