I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
