I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
