So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
